|
by
Aletheia Luna
November 12,
2022
from
LonerWolf Website
You feel,
-
Pushed
-
Manipulated
-
Exploited
-
Dominated
-
Coerced
-
Pressured
-
Bullied
-
Controlled....
The person in front of
you has gone too far and has overstepped your personal boundaries.
But you don't know what to do; you feel weak and helpless. A quiet
desperation rises inside of you. You feel like a fly stuck in a web.
What can be done?
If you struggle with energy loss and issues such as over-commitment,
lack of assertiveness, and feeling exhausted all the time by those
around you, keep reading.
It's time to draw a clear
line and reclaim your personal power.
What are
Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries are the,
mental, emotional,
and physical walls we create,
...to protect ourselves
from being used, manipulated, drained, or violated by others.
These limits help us to
clearly distinguish who we are and what we need from other people
and their needs.
Creating and maintaining personal boundaries is essential to
cultivating physical, emotional, and psychological well-being.
Why Are
Personal Boundaries So Important?
Personal boundaries are an essential way of creating and upholding a
healthy self-image.
When a person has strong
personal boundaries, it communicates to the world that they exude
healthy self-respect and self-worth.
Most importantly, healthy boundaries help us to create a safe
container within ourselves where self-compassion and mindfulness can
blossom. Hence, creating boundaries makes us feel fundamentally good
and preserves our personal integrity.
But without personal boundaries, we run the risk of confusing our
needs and wants with others, which leads to codependency.
Codependency is a term
that describes a toxic one-sided relationship where we derive all of
our happiness from others. The reality is that it's impossible to
enjoy a healthy relationship without strong and clear boundaries.
Without personal boundaries, there is also the risk of experiencing
heightened stress and feelings of hopelessness.
Over-committing to
everyone and everything tends to take a serious toll on your mental
health, which can eventually lead to burnout - or worse: a nervous
breakdown.
Finally, a lack of personal boundaries can result in feelings of
being worthless, weak, or not good enough. In other words, our
self-esteem will be severely impacted and we may struggle with
issues such as chronic self-doubt, self-judgment, and self-loathing.
Not being able to voice
our truth and communicate our needs in a clear way can be deeply
distressing and demoralizing.
18 Signs You
Have Poor Personal Boundaries
Pay attention to the following signs.
How many can you relate
to?
-
You fail to speak
up when you're treated badly
-
You give away too
much of your time
-
You agree with a
person when you actually feel like disagreeing
-
You say "yes" to
a person when you want to say "no"
-
You feel guilty
for dedicating time to yourself
-
You feel taken
for granted by others
-
You permit people
to touch you when you feel uncomfortable or want them to
stop
-
You have toxic
relationships (i.e., you're always giving, and the other is
always taking)
-
You make too many
grand sacrifices for others at your own expense
-
You are
passive-aggressive and might have manipulative tendencies
(as a way of trying to regain your lost power)
-
You constantly
feel like the victim
-
You feel like you
have to "earn" respect by being nice
-
You over-share
details about your life with others
-
You feel guilty
when others aren't happy (as if you're solely responsible)
-
You are what
other people want/need you to be, and not who YOU need to be
-
You're out of
touch with your needs
-
You attract
people who try to control or dominate you
-
You have chronic
fear about what others think of you
Pause to consider,
which one of these
points caught your eye and tugged at your awareness most
strongly....
Then, take a moment to
place a hand over your heart and send yourself some understanding
and kindness.
Having poor boundaries is a frustrating and painful experience, and
you're certainly not alone in experiencing it.
Why Do We
Suffer From Poor Personal Boundaries?
Before going too deeply into the understandable urge to blame or
shame yourself in some way for having poor boundaries,
I want you to
understand that it wasn't your fault, but it is your
responsibility to now develop strong boundaries...
So take a moment to feel
some compassion, or at least sympathy, for yourself.
As children, we had no control over what our parents, teachers, and
the adults around us taught us.
As a result, most people
with absent or weak personal boundaries as adults struggle to feel
confident enough to draw a line and adequately tend to their needs.
The codependent dynamics
within our families, as well as being taught that "love equals what
we do, not who we are," contributed significantly to this lack of
internal solidity.
As children, the first role models we had of "acceptable" behavior
were our parents and family members.
So pause to reflect here:
What messages did
your mother, father, caretakers, siblings, or other adults send
to you growing up?
Were you only given love when you pretended to be who your
parents wanted you to be?
Were you only rewarded when you went out of the way to sacrifice
your needs and desires in favor of someone else's?
Were you punished for saying "no" or speaking up?
Did you feel obliged to emotionally "take care" of an adult,
perhaps a parent?
These were all signs that
you were taught that lacking personal boundaries equaled a "good"
thing.
5 Myths About
Personal Boundaries
If you struggle with setting clear boundaries, you might carry a
number of mistaken beliefs that you were conditioned to believe.
Here are some myths to be aware of:
-
"Having personal boundaries is selfish"
This myth is
probably the most common one out there and it's based on the
unhealthy belief that in order to be worthy, we must be
martyrs constantly self-sacrificing our needs.
In reality,
having boundaries is a form of self-respect that allows us
to practice self-love which can ripple out to the world and
positively influence those around us.
Take a moment to
reflect on any good therapist or mental health professional.
How do they do their job effectively?
The answer is by
having strong and clear personal boundaries. (Imagine taking
on all the issues of those you serve - how exhausting!)
The truth is that
all mentally and emotionally healthy people possess
boundaries.
-
"Having personal boundaries will cause my relationships to
suffer"
If you are in a
codependent relationship, creating boundaries will most
certainly create uncomfortable waves of change.
If your partner
is co-dependently entangled with you, there's a high chance
that they will be shocked and will certainly resist your
efforts to be happy and healthy.
(The same thing
goes for co-dependent friendships.)
If you find
yourself in this situation, I encourage you to consider
whether being in a toxic relationship/friendship is actually
worth it.
All healthy and
supportive relationships will actually THRIVE and encourage
the establishment of personal boundaries.
-
"Having personal boundaries will cause people to dislike me"
This myth is
partly true and partly false.
The reality is
that yes, setting clear boundaries might step on a few
people's toes. But creating boundaries will also cause more
people to respect, hear, and like you.
There's nothing
more admirable than a person who refuses to take bullshit
from others and who stands by what they believe to be true.
Not only that,
but when you set boundaries, you'll actually attract more
people who are willing to respect you and be authentic
friends or lovers.
-
"Having personal boundaries will make me miserable"
This myth often
appears as an underlying assumption that many people carry.
But my response
is simple: creating personal boundaries might feel
uncomfortable at first, but pretty soon it'll make you feel
empowered and in control of your life again.
So the opposite
here is true:
having
personal boundaries will actually make you MUCH happier!
-
"Having personal boundaries sounds rigid"
Personal
boundaries are not black or white or set in stone - they are
flexible according to your needs in the moment.
So don't feel the
need to be harsh and cut people off. There's a big
difference between rigid boundaries and healthy boundaries.
Rigid boundaries
are walls constructed to permanently block people out,
whereas healthy boundaries are adaptable and can change
according to our inner needs.
Boundaries and
the Spiritual Awakening Journey
Creating healthy personal boundaries doesn't just benefit our
everyday interactions with others, but it also enriches and
strengthens our connection with our Souls.
When we're constantly looking outside of ourselves and
people-pleasing, we tend to forget that we all have a unique path in
life, and it's our job to listen to our true callings.
Lacking boundaries means that we're frequently looking to others for
direction and getting co-dependently enmeshed in their lives, rather
than focusing on our own.
Sometimes what happens is that we get so wound up in other people
that we "lose" ourselves.
We experience a kind of
soul loss (or being disconnected from our souls) that creates
feelings of emptiness, loneliness, aimlessness, anxiety, and
depression.
Lacking self-awareness of our true needs because we have poor
boundaries, we may even fall into a
Dark Night of the Soul where we
feel totally lost and disconnected from our Higher Power (whatever
that personally looks like).
Creating boundaries is an essential part of the spiritual awakening
journey because it supports us in being true to ourselves, embracing
our inner lone wolf, and walking our own paths.
12 Benefits of
Creating Strong Personal Boundaries
Here are some further benefits that you can expect from putting in
the hard work of setting clear boundaries:
-
You'll be able to
say "no"
-
You'll feel
empowered again
-
You'll feel more
in control of your life
-
You'll attract
healthy + supportive partners and friends
-
You'll have more
mental, emotional, and physical energy
-
You'll be able to
speak up and be heard
-
You'll feel more
appreciated and valued
-
You'll be more in
touch with your needs
-
You'll spend more
time on yourself (without the guilt)
-
You'll experience
more emotional balance and happiness
-
You'll experience
increased self-esteem and self-worth
-
You'll feel more
courage and freedom to be yourself
Remember that these
qualities won't develop overnight, but with practice and
persistence, you'll be able to experience many of these empowering
benefits.
How to Create
Personal Boundaries That People Don't Ignore
Creating boundaries is less about other people and more about you
and the beliefs and mindsets you have.
The following practices and pieces of advice will help you to target
both your core beliefs and habitual behaviors:
1.
Understand that you have the right to have boundaries
Lurking underneath the surface of people-pleasing behavior is
the belief that we "have no right" to set boundaries.
It's time to
challenge this ingrained assumption.
Why are others
allowed to have boundaries and not you?
Why must you feel
like a lesser human being and elevate others above yourself?
It is a fundamental
right of all human beings to have personal boundaries. Consider
it your birthright to establish boundaries that define and
protect you.
Not only is it your
right to create boundaries, but it is also your responsibility.
2.
Understand that your thoughts, feelings, and needs are equally
important to others
No one's thoughts, feelings, or needs are "above" anyone else's.
Social status is an
illusion created by the human mind. In other words, the Queen of
England's needs are equal to a homeless person's needs.
The only division
created between us and others exists in the mind. Therefore, you
are not "less important," valuable, or worthy than others.
Your needs are
equally important to those in your life.
Learn to see yourself as equal to others. Affirm your worth each
and every day with a mantra such as,
"I am worthy and
my needs are important"...
Learn to disagree
with those who try to make you think or feel otherwise.
3.
Explore your needs
Likely, you don't have much experience or knowledge of your
needs, especially if you ignore them to cater to others'
demands.
Now is the
time to start learning more about yourself.
Keep a daily
journal in which you record your thoughts, feelings, needs,
and desires.
Practicing
self-reflection and introspection will help you to become
more in tune with what you really need at any given moment.
(Here are some journaling ideas.)
Practicing a few simple mindfulness exercises is another
powerful way to know what boundaries you need to set during
the day.
Dedicate yourself
to tuning into and learning more about who you are and what
you really want out of life - this is one of the best ways
to begin setting personal boundaries.
A fun way to start
learning about who you are is by taking self-discovery tests
(take a look at
our tests!).
4.
Practice daily self-care (because you're worth it!)
Practicing daily self-care is a supplementary practice that will
bolster your ability to set clear personal boundaries.
When you get into the habit of nurturing yourself, you're
already setting yourself up for success.
You're sending
yourself the message that,
"I'm worth taking
care of"...
Setting firm
boundaries will then seem like the next natural step in your
self-care routine.
Simple ways to perform self-care include,
taking time to
relax, practicing meditation, making delicious and
nutritious food for yourself, exercising, setting daily
goals, complimenting yourself, rewarding yourself, taking a
nap, connecting with nature, drinking a soothing cup of tea,
...and many other
practices.
5.
Learn to say "no"
Saying no is a key part of learning to be
assertive and honoring your needs.
You don't need to
flat out or aggressively say "no" if the situation doesn't call
for it. Instead, you can try saying phrases such as
"No thank you,"
"I can't," "I'm not able to," "Not now," "I'm busy, sorry,"
"Maybe next time," "I appreciate the offer, but I'm unable
to,"
...and so forth.
Experiment with
different ways of saying no and see what feels most resonant
with your personality.
6.
Identify when people cross the line
It's not always easy to identify when others overstep your
boundaries, particularly if you're used to not having any.
Take time to record
in a private journal each day all of the moments when you felt
uncomfortable, upset, or disrespected by someone during the day.
This journaling
exercise will help you to develop more self-awareness.
Another way to know when people have overstepped your boundaries
is by tuning into your body.
Try to notice
when you feel sensations like butterflies in your stomach,
tension in your shoulders, or an increase in blood pressure
which will manifest as feeling flustered and hot.
Use these sensations
as triggers to help you tune into the present moment and
practice boundary setting.
7.
Stop overcommitting
You're not obliged or indebted to uphold every single social
commitment that you have.
Don't try to please
others at your own expense. Committing too much to other people
and circumstances creates stress and burnout.
Learning to say no to non-essential things like work
get-togethers, parties, and other social duties that are not
life-or-death takes practice.
So be gentle with
yourself, remind yourself why you're on this journey in the
first place, and graciously decline whatever "fills your cup"
too much.
At the very least,
others will appreciate your honesty.
8.
Be courageous: let go of toxic friendships and relationships
It takes a certain level of courage to stick to your personal
boundaries.
Fake friends and
flimsy relationships will inevitably self-destruct and fizzle
away during this process. As a result, you might be left with
feelings of guilt, shame, or like you're doing something wrong.
It's vital in these tough times to keep affirming that setting
personal boundaries is your fundamental human right. You are
WORTH it. Those who try to control, use, or abuse you will
likely try to stop you - but don't let them hold you back.
Step away from those
people who are polluting your life and seek out new friendships
that are supportive and uplifting.
Go on a journey
through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace
your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next
level of your spiritual growth.
This is deep and
powerful work!
9.
Seek help (but not from friends or family)
If you're still needing help setting strong personal boundaries,
chances are that those around you probably reinforce codependent
behavior.
So it's not a wise
idea to seek advice from them, however well-intentioned they may
be.
If you need more in-depth advice and personal assistance, I
recommend either reading a book such as,
'Boundaries
- When to Say Yes, How to Say No' by Henry
Cloud and John Townsend,
...or seeking the
help of a therapist (or both).
Final Words
Finally, just be mindful of approaching this journey with gentleness
and self-compassion.
You were not responsible
for developing poor boundaries (it was how you were conditioned).
BUT you are responsible for now changing them and owning your
personal power.
I hope this article has
given you some helpful pointers to help you do that.
|
