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by
Aletheia Luna
July 19,
2023
from
LonerWolf Website
Why do I refuse help from others...?
Why do I keep
intentionally hurting myself...?
Why do I keep making
the same mistakes over and over again...?
How often have you asked
yourself any of these questions?
Self-destructive behavior can be a daunting topic. It's like a
gremlin that lurks in the dark corners of existence, hiding in
places we train ourselves to overlook and intentionally avoid.
But the more we put off facing our self-destructive behavior, the
more it consumes us.
Are you ready to face the self-destructive parts of you? Remember
that toxic behavior comes from only one part of you - it doesn't
define the whole of you.
What is
Self-Destructive Behavior?
Self-destructive behavior is any action carried out by an individual
that causes them direct or indirect harm.
This self-inflicted harm
may be experienced on a physical, mental, or emotional level and
creates immense suffering throughout their life.
Examples of
self-destructive behavior include,
workaholism,
substance abuse, eating disorders, self-martyrdom, self-harm,
...and any behavior that
negatively impacts a person's life for which they aren't actively
trying to change or don't feel worthy of overcoming.
Why Are We Self-Destructive?
I'm not the first, and I certainly won't be the last person to admit
that I've had self-destructive tendencies.
From pushing away the people I love and housing self-defeating
mindsets to repeatedly self-harming in my teenage years, I've been
down this dark alley more than once.
As I've grown, however, I've realized that self-destructive
behaviors are an expression of the Shadow Self (aka., our 'dark
side'), which causes issues such as low self-esteem, low
self-worth, and eventually self-loathing.
While psychologists speculate that self-sabotaging behaviors could
be coping mechanisms,
i.e., to deal with
stress, pressure, social demands, etc.,
...others consider
self-destructive behavior as a way of maintaining comfort zones due
to lack of confidence or feelings of unworthiness,
e.g., staying at the
familiar bottom of the social ladder...
17 Symptoms
and Habits of Self-Destructive Behavior
Self-destructive behavior comes in many guises - some extreme, some
more subtle.
Here are some of the most common symptoms and habits of
self-destructive behavior:
1. Self-defeating
mindsets
Self-defeating mindsets are typically unconscious forms of
self-destructive behavior that result in self-fulfilling
prophecies.
Examples include
harboring thoughts, usually on a subconscious level, such as,
"I'm going to
fail; I just know it"
"I'll never get
out alive"
"This will
completely destroy me," etc...
2.
Failing to take action
Failing to take action may be passive, but it's still
self-destructive.
When we know
something is bad for us but fail to take any action or steps to
remedy the issue, we are essentially setting ourselves up for
(and guaranteeing) failure.
3.
Over-eating
Over-eating usually appears as the habit of cramming ourselves
full of sugary, fatty, and processed foods.
This unhealthy habit
can result in many long-term health issues (not to mention the
short-term negative impacts on mood, sleep, creativity, etc.).
4.
Under-eating
Many under-eaters fool themselves into thinking they're
benefiting themselves.
The reality is that
under-eating is usually a band-aid for serious self-image
problems and other psychological issues.
5. Forced
incompetence or over-committal
Forced incompetence means portraying yourself as unintelligent
or incapable of successfully achieving something.
This habit usually
stems from a lack of confidence in your abilities and can
function as a coping mechanism (e.g., to deal with academic
pressure).
The opposite of forced incompetence is over-committal, where we
commit to too many responsibilities, become "super capable," and
turn into workaholics, even though it burns us out and begins to
feel soul-sucking very quickly.
6.
Going out of your way to harm others
What goes around comes around, as they say, and the negative
influence you have on others, whether by words or deeds, will
eventually manifest in your own life (e.g., through sicknesses,
tragedy, legal issues, isolation, etc.).
On some level, we all
know this truth, yet sometimes we go ahead and hurt others
anyway.
7. Physical
self-harm
Physical self-harm is an extreme physical expression of
self-destructive behavior.
This practice is
connected to low self-worth and the desire to cope with
emotional pain in a physical way.
Examples of physical
self-harm include cutting, burning, and hitting oneself (or
inciting others to do this to us, such as by intentionally
provoking a fight).
In extreme cases,
physical self-harm can manifest as suicide attempts.
8. Self-pity
Self-pity is an unconscious form of self-destructive behavior.
It is destructive
because it encourages us to remain inactive (i.e., wallowing in
our misfortunes) rather than encouraging a proactive approach
toward life.
9.
Drug and alcohol abuse
"Many people
transform their anger into self-destructiveness - drinking
their lives away or becoming oblivious in drugs or working
too much.
They make take it
out on their children, employees, or animals.
They may be
passive-aggressive in a number of ways - being silent,
uninvolved, offering insincere love and friendship, being
available for people but making them suffer for it."
Thomas
Moore
A self-evident form
of self-destructive behavior, drug and alcohol abuse creates
endless misery in the lives of addicts and their friends and
family members.
Drug and alcohol
abuse are usually connected to soul loss - or being disconnected
from your soul.
10. Social
self-alienation
While not always done consciously, social self-alienation is the
act of deliberately isolating yourself from your peers.
This could be through
a variety of irritating, repelling, or antisocial behaviors
that, on some level, you know are self-destructive.
11. Hiding
from emotions
Failing to acknowledge negative (and sometimes positive)
emotions creates a host of mental, emotional, and physiological
illnesses.
Hiding from emotions
is another form of unconsciously manifested self-destructive
behavior.
12. Refusing to be
helped
Pushing away advice, refusing to go to rehab, avoiding the
psychologist - all of these examples are signs of not wanting to
be helped which is a reflection of the deep core belief that
"I'm unworthy."
Refusing to be helped
is a form of self-destructive behavior because it prevents
growth and healing from occurring within you.
13.
Unnecessary self-sacrifice
Some people are in love with their misery because that is all
they have known for a large portion of their lives.
Unnecessary
self-sacrifice or being a martyr are good ways of making us feel
"noble" and "altruistic" while masking the actual act of
self-sabotage (which is giving up on the hopes, dreams, and
passions that make us truly happy).
14.
Spending too much
Whether through chronic gambling or constant Amazon purchases,
overspending may seem unusual to include on this list, but it is
nevertheless a form of self-destructive behavior that limits
one's freedom and peace of mind.
15.
Physical neglect
Getting poor sleep, refusing to exercise, eating unhealthy food,
and failing to maintain the general well-being of your body are
all classic signs of common self-destructive behavior.
Risky sexual behavior
and poor personal boundaries are also a sign of physical
neglect.
16. Mental
neglect
Refusing, avoiding, or failing to confront your psychological
health issues (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, paranoia, OCD,
etc.) delays the healing process, resulting in the perpetuation
of long-term issues.
17.
Sabotaging relationships
Sabotaging your relationships is a complex symptom as it
involves many destructive behaviors such as jealousy,
possessiveness, emotional manipulation, neediness, violence, and
so forth.
When we don't feel
worthy of love, we unconsciously manifest this in our
relationships through the way we choose to behave.
You're Not
Broken - You're Just Human
If you identify with any or most of the above signs, you might feel
your stomach sink, and a dark cloud of sadness or resentment may
wash over you.
You might even start thinking,
that you're
fundamentally "broken" or that "something is severely wrong with
you"...
But please understand
that it's normal to identify with many of the above signs.
There's nothing wrong
with you.
You're not broken.
You're not a lost
cause.
You're simply human.
And that's totally
okay...
Why is it normal to
possess many of the above self-destructive behavior signs?
The answer is that,
most people have
either been negatively programmed by their family or society or
have unconsciously adopted these actions as a defense mechanism
to protect against mental and emotional pain.
In other words,
it's not your
fault and you aren't to blame for your self-destructive
behavior.
But it IS
your responsibility to work through it...
You didn't choose to
be self-destructive, did you?
You didn't think at
some point, "Hmmm, I think I'm going to be self-destructive
now," did you?
It's just what
happened.
The goal here isn't to feel terrible about yourself.
Instead, the goal is to
see that "it is what it is" and find ways to reverse, undo, and
overcome your self-destructive tendencies.
Self-Destructive Behavior and the Journey of Self-Love
The very fact that you're here right now reading this guide is
already a sign that you're awakening out of the dream of
self-destruction.
In other words, you're starting to become more self-aware, and
self-awareness is a sign that you're spiritually awakening or at
least you're making self-care more of a priority in your life.
If you've been on a shadow work journey of working through your
inner darkness, you may have come across some self-destructive
behavior pattern within yourself, which is why you may find yourself
here.
Going through the dark night of the soul is also another reason why
you might find yourself exploring your self-destructive tendencies
as you seek to find more meaning and deeper fulfillment in life.
Whatever the case,
it's helpful to
understand that self-destruction is the opposite of self-love.
And in many cases, our
tendencies towards self-destructive behavior are totally unconscious
and on autopilot because we were never taught how to love and value
ourselves.
In the words of writer and speaker Alan Watts,
"When you won't love,
or won't let it out, it emerges anyway in the form of
self-destruction. The alternative to self-love, in other words,
is self-destruction.
Because you won't
take the risk of loving yourself properly, you will be compelled
instead to destroy yourself."
As such, we can see that
learning how to love yourself is the antidote to self-destructive
behavior.
How to Stop
Being Self-Destructive - 6 Pathways
While I can't give you a magical cure, I can give you some ideas,
inspiration, and a few tried-and-tested paths to follow. Try all of
these practices systematically or select a few and work with them
consistently.
On average, it takes around 66 days to establish a new habit,
according to what researchers have found. So make it your goal to
stick with at least one of these activities for two months.
Here are the practices:
1.
Grow your self-awareness by keeping a journal every day
Journaling has numerous mental health benefits, and it's a
powerful way of increasing your self-awareness. In fact, we
could say that self-awareness is the most crucial ingredient in
overcoming self-destructive tendencies!
Read more about how
to journal and the practice of self-awareness for more guidance.
2.
Free yourself of compulsive, self-destructive behavior through
meditation or mindfulness
There's a reason why you keep hearing about these two practices,
and it's because they work!
Even if you struggle
to meditate traditionally, there are endless forms of
mindfulness meditation out there that might spark your interest.
Examples of meditation/mindfulness activities include breathwork,
walking meditation, mindful art therapy, chanting mantras,
guided journeys, chakra visualization, etc.
If you don't know where to start, I recommend downloading a
meditation app such as InsightTimer, Calm, or Headspace.
I started off with
these apps, and they helped me tremendously. Bringing these key
spiritual practices into your life can have profound benefits.
Try starting with 5-10 minutes in the morning or evening every
day at the same time (to create a habit out of it).
Meditation and mindfulness are so effective because they help
you to come back home to the present moment and create more
inner space, which frees you from the compulsiveness and
autopilot of self-destructive behavior.
3.
Release your pent-up emotions by doing some emotional catharsis
Sometimes, the reason why we're self-destructing is that a
deeper emotion (such as anger, grief, or fear) isn't being
expressed.
Just think of a kettle: the more it boils, the more steam is
released. But if that kettle had no way to release that steam,
it would eventually explode! The same thing applies to you: you
need a pressure valve, a way to channel your pent-up emotions.
When you don't channel those buried emotions in a healthy way,
they can come out in self-destructive behaviors.
So find something you enjoy doing that requires intense mental
or physical effort.
Examples include
boxing, running, singing, dancing, creating art, or plain old
screaming and crying (doing this privately is a good idea if
you're living with people!).
One unconventional
form of catharsis is called dynamic meditation.
4. Learn
self-care and self-love through some simple habits
Self-love is a basic attitude of kindness toward yourself: it is
the practice of taking care of your mental and emotional needs.
Self-care, on the other hand, is generally more oriented toward
your body: it involves eating properly, getting enough sleep,
drinking adequate water, wearing comfortable clothing, staying
healthy, etc.
Both self-love and self-care go beautifully hand-in-hand as
allies against self-destruction.
I understand that self-love may feel like a bit of a stretch for
you, so if you want a place to start, begin with self-care.
Begin with even just one self-care practice each day and make it
into a habit by doing it at the same time and same place.
For example,
you could decide
to take a morning walk at 7:30 am each day to help your body
feel energized and relaxed.
Or you could
drink a cup of chamomile tea at the end of your day as a
winding down self-care ritual.
You can find more
ideas in my self-care ideas article.
And if you'd like to
practice self-love, I recommend my how to love yourself post, as
well as our guided self-love journal.
5. Explore
your core beliefs which are at the root of self-destructive
behavior
Core beliefs are at the very root of self-destructive behavior
because that which we think we often become.
Whatever internal
dialogue that runs around in our mind is often what dictates our
behavior. After all, isn't it true that we often act on what we
believe to be true?
For example,
if you carry the
core belief that "no one will ever love me," you will
unconsciously and perhaps sometimes intentionally behave in
ways that alienate other people so that they don't hurt you,
therefore reinforcing your belief that "no one will ever
love me" because you don't give others the chance to even
try!
Core beliefs
can be tricky because they're usually unconscious and automatic,
and yet, once we shine the light of our awareness onto them, we
can see through them, change them, and find more freedom and
peace.
Examples of core beliefs that can result in self-destructive
behavior include:
Core beliefs
often start with the words "I am..." and they can be discovered
through reflection, inquiry, and journaling.
6.
Sometimes, there's a limit to what you can do, and you'll need
to find a coach, counselor, or therapist
If you have strong self-loathing or intense self-destructive
tendencies, you might not even have the impulse to take on board
any of the advice in this article (*ding ding!* that's another
form of self-destruction, but it's okay, you're only doing what
you've been unconsciously programmed to do).
As such, my best advice is to find a coach, counselor, or
therapist ASAP. Sometimes the best thing is to see our true
worth in the mirror of another.
Sometimes we need
someone to hold our hands and actively guide us in a 1-to-1 way.
If this is the case, your search engine is your best friend.
Look up the keywords "self-destructive behavior counselor near
me," and you're bound to find someone who can help.
If you're fine with
online sessions via places like Zoom, just use a keyword like,
"help for
self-destructive behavior therapy" or look up "therapy near
me."
There's only so much
an article on the internet can do to help you.
While you've taken a
wonderful step towards health and healing, seeking out guidance
in the form of a therapist or counselor will aid you with
ongoing support and tools. These, in turn, will transform your
life little by little.
And soon, you'll be
able to look back on this behavior with a gentle smile and a
sigh of relief, proud of your ability to overcome and heal.
Self-Destructive Tendencies Q&A
What makes
someone self-destructive?
There are many reasons why someone might be self-destructive.
On an emotional and
psychological level, self-destructive tendencies may arise from
childhood trauma, negative social conditioning, and low
self-esteem that are due to having unsupportive or abusive
parents, family members, or peers.
On a spiritual level,
self-destructive tendencies are due to soul loss or the
disconnection from your true and authentic essence.
What are examples
of self-destructive behaviors?
Examples of self-destructive behaviors include excessive
self-sacrifice, over-eating or under-eating, sabotaging close
relationships, smoking or drinking too much, drug abuse, and
self-harm.
How
can I stop being self-destructive?
The first step to overcoming self-destructive tendencies is to
simply be self-aware of what's happening. Journaling about your
discoveries is a powerful place to begin.
The next step is to
practice self-care and self-love.
Learning how to take
care of your body and nurturing yourself on a mental and
emotional level are crucial steps to overcoming self-destructive
behavior.
Why do I
have self-destructive thoughts?
Self-destructive thoughts are a product of low self-esteem and a
part of us known as the inner critic.
It's crucial to
remember that this is just one part of you, not the whole of
you. You're so much bigger than the self-destructive thoughts
that randomly pop into your mind.
Remember that we all
get self-destructive thoughts from time to time (and you don't
need to believe them in the first place!), but you might just be
more sensitive to believe them due to past trauma.
***
Self-destructive behaviors can be both,
conscious and
unconscious,
...and they can end up
sabotaging our health, happiness, and long-term well-being.
But please remember that
these harmful tendencies are a symptom of a deeper wound that needs
to be shown compassion.
It's important to remember that you're not alone. Like
me, you can probably identify with a couple or more symptoms of
self-destructive behavior on this list.
But when you take the
first step on your healing journey of developing more
self-awareness, self-care, self-forgiveness, and self-love, you will
eventually be free of your self-destructive
tendencies...
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