According to climatologists,
suffering Earth down now
would be the
'humane thing' to do.
FORT COLLINS, CO
Claiming that it is the
humane thing to do, and that the planet is "just going to suffer" if
kept alive any longer, members of the worldís scientific community
recommended today that Earth be put down.
"We realize this
isnít the easiest thing to hear, but weíve run a number of tests
and unfortunately thereís really nothing more we can do for
Earth at this point," said leading climatologist Dr. Robert
Wyche of Colorado State Universityís Department of Atmospheric
have hung in there for a while, and you have to hand it to the
old gal for staying alive this long, but at this point the
chances of a recovery are, Iím sorry to say, incredibly
unlikely. It might be time to say goodbye."
"Earth is in a lot of pain, folks," Wyche continued.
think about sending it off peacefully, for its own sake."
While admitting that the
prospect of saying goodbye to the terrestrial planet is very
difficult, Robert Wyche explained to reporters that letting
nature take its course would only prolong the inevitable.
Wyche also stressed that
if Earth is not put down, humanity would ultimately be responsible
for its continuing care, which would be,
difficult as time goes on."
also made several heartfelt assurances that the procedure would be
quick and virtually painless.
"We understand that
youíve all become very attached to Earth over the years, and
itís hard to let go of something you love like this, but the
fact is that no matter what, it simply wonít be able to keep
going for much longer," said Wyche, adding that there would be
no guarantees regarding Earthís already substandard quality of
life if it is not put down in the immediate future.
"Look, at the end of
the day, Earth is 4.5 billion years old and had a great life.
The last thing you want to do is wait and draw this difficult
ordeal out any further."
"Granted, this is a very tough decision, so if you need more
time to think about it or discuss it amongst yourselves, thatís
totally understandable," Wyche added.
"But just be aware that
the longer you wait, the more pain Earth will ultimately
Reportedly sensing some
hesitancy on the part of humanity, Wyche then reiterated that very
little can be done to prevent or counteract the myriad of maladies
currently plaguing Earth, and that putting down the planet would in
fact be the caring thing to do at this juncture.
"To be honest, there
is a chance that had we taken more drastic steps earlier, Earth
would have been able to survive for longer - much, much longer,
even," Wyche said.
that is now a moot point. Right now, you should just cherish the
good times you and Earth had together and give it a gentle and
"Itís your choice, though," Wyche added. "So, you know, take
At press time,
scientists had given humanity a few private moments to say goodbye
before finally putting Earth out of its misery.